Charedi hashkafa (ideology) takes away independent thought and decision

My wife and I were recently involved in a situation involving a family member and we had to make a difficult decision. The decision had nothing to do with a halachic issue at all, but was personal. My wife who is a smart well educated woman had 2 reactions to the situation which drove me crazy.

1. No one has to take any responsibility for the situation because this is where Hashem wants us to be. In other words, she has adopted the Charedi maximal position of hashgacha that not even a leaf falls without it being from heaven. Therefore, our actions and everyone elses actions are a basically meaningless, a facade, and don't matter anyway. This drives me crazy because this is not even the authentic Jewish/Halachic opinion (see my post on Hashgacha Pratis) let alone a rational one.
2. We need to ask a Rav for Daas Torah. The situation under discussion was not a halachic issue but a personal one, IMHO a Rav has no more insight then we do, and in fact, given that this was a personal family situation he would have much less insight into the situation. But, he has Daas Torah. 

Basically, if you are Charedi, nothing you do matters because everything is from Hashem, and you can't make any decisions independently because you have to ask Daas Torah. On one hand it makes life really easy, nothing is your fault, this is what Hashem wants, therefore you don't have to take any responsibility for the situation, and every difficult decision is made by someone else with Daas Torah. In a sense it makes life realy easy, but what kind of life is that really? Do you want to live your life with someone else making all the important decisions? Taking no responsibilty for the situation you are in because this is what Hashem wants?