Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur this year were very very hard. On one hand, as everyone reading this knows, I have become a skeptic and have serious doubts about Judaism. Therefore the whole idea of Rosh Hashana being the Yom Hadin and God judging everyone is hard to believe. [In fact, the Gemara has no source for Rosh Hashana being the Yom Hadin, the Ran says that Adam was created, sinned and judged on Rosh Hashana so therefore it became the Yom Hadin for mankind and Adam passed that bit of information along. Since it is patently clear that the creation story can't be taken literally then the Ran's explanation is completely untenable. Rosh Hashana seems to me a good example of the evolution of Judaism where the holiday evolved over the years into what it is now. ] On the other hand, it is hard not to get swept up at least partially in the atmosphere when everyone around you including your wife and older kids takes it very seriously and you spend 7 hours in shul on Rosh Hashana and 11 hours in Shul on Yom Kippur. As I davened on both RH and YK I felt very strange, I said the words but in the back of my mind a little voice was screaming, you don't believe this. You don't believe that God runs the world, you don't believe that God punishes people for their sins, you don't believe that the sins that you are beating your chest for are really sins...
Succos got a little easier as I enjoy building a succa and I took the pain free alternative in buying my 4 minim, I bought a closed box set that was supposed to be mehudar.
I have always hated Simchas Torah even when I was a true believer and learned 10-12 hours a days. I am by nature an intellectual and have never been able to really let go, dance like a maniac etc. The dancing on Simchas Torah never really gave me any pleasure, I would much rather have heard a good severa. This year, it grated on me even more because of my scepticism. For one of the hakafos they sang the song טוב לי תורת פיך מאלפי זהב וכסף which means that Torah is better then 1000 pieces of gold and silver. This year that song drove me crazy. Torah is intellectually interesting but is it worth more then other knowledge? No. It hammered home the point that the Litvishe world today doesn't actually worship God but worships the Torah, and not the written Torah but the תורה שבעל פה that is so clearly man made. The Rav of the shul gave a speech stating that the way to understand God is to learn his Torah, that Torah gives us insight into God. IMHO that is absolutely silly. Learning about שור שנגח את הפרה teaches us about God? If so, then God is not very godlike.
In short, I found it really hard to participate in the activities of RH, YTK, ST while realising/believing that none of is it it true.
I would love to know how everyone else (who is in the closet) deals with this conundrum.
I looked into the origins of RH and YK a few years ago, and as far as I could piece together, New Years was originally on the 10th of Tishrei, while there was a Temple purification ritual performed twice a year, on the first of Tishrei and the first of Nisan. The purification ceremony had elements of repentance and forgiveness to it. At some point, the date for the ceremony and for New Years were switched, and each retained elements of the other, eventually evolving into what we have now.
ReplyDelete> It hammered home the point that the Litvishe world today doesn't actually worship God but worships the Torah,
This is probably over-interpreting an idiom, but it is telling that people talk far more often of "what the Torah wants." or "what halacha requires" than they do of what Hashem wants.
Oy Vey. You are in this situation with a wife and children. May I suggest you join the Face Book Group OTD or Off The Derech (use a false name.) You can ask for advice there. There is a group called FootSteps in the USA that may be able to provide you with advice, perhaps including organizations in other countries. I feel for you and wish you well.
ReplyDeleteI'm in a very similar spot, familially, intellectually, and not too excited when Tishrei comes around. I try not to think about it too much. I accept that I'm playing a role for the kids and that's what I'm doing. When davening and such I think mainly about other things or take an intellectually curious look at what I'm saying or reading.
ReplyDeleteWould love to chat over email. Can you contact me via email (email available in my profile)?
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